There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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