if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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