i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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