I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
