Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
