I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
