I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
