i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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