I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
