I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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