his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
