swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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