Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
