There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize