Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
