oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
