i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
