ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
