God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
