Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
