Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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