i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
