My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
