I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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