so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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