I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
