3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
