i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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