I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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