I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
