i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
