Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize