My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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