one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
