That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I will be naked everywhere
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
