my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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