i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
tonight lets celebrate not being married
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
