the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
