I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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