I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
