When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize