why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
