I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize