i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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