i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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