I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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