I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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