he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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