there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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