Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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