i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
