theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
