they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
