just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
