Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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