My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
