my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
