You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
