We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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