Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
