You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I should be sponsored by Trojan
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
