Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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